You are now below the fold, where the worms like their bellies scratched.
“There are caregivers and there are caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this?”
”I read that some guy was giving up the governor’s chair to run for a Senate seat. Why would he give up a chair to run for a seat? Why not be a judge and sit on the bench?”
“No comment” is a comment.
And from his “Rules to Live By” in Brain Droppings, that could be
today’s MAGA cult playbook:
10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that doesn’t work.
14. Beware of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you into trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don’t get sidetracked by some foolish “plan.”
15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don’t be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about “responsibility.” That’s exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life.
Here endeth the lesson. Happy birthday, George.
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 12, 2023
Note: Here’s the schedule for the next two seconds: you will read this.
By the Numbers:
Weeks ’til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 2
Days ’til the Calavaras County Fair & Jumping Frog Jubilee in California: 6
Number of counts on which Congressman George Santos (The Cult-NY) was charged by the feds this week: 13
Months since inflation has been as low as it is now: 12
Expected cost-of-living increase for Social Security recipients next year because inflation is down: 3.1%
Value of Maine‘s blueberry crop in 2022, down 26% from 2021 mainly because of, you guessed it, climate change: $55.5 million
Year during which tulip bulbs were a form of currency in Holland: 1634
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
CHEERS to chicken soup for lots of hungry souls. Here’s an event coming up tomorrow that we always put front and center in C&J. It’s the 31st annual Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive, and all you have to do is make a note to leave some vittles out for your postal carrier:
The National Association of Letter Carriers, in conjunction with the United States Postal Service, will be collecting non-perishable food items like canned meats and fish, canned soup, juice, pasta, vegetables, cereal and rice during the Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive on Saturday, May 13, to help families in need in our community.
You can help by placing your food donation at your mailbox on Saturday, May 13 before your letter carrier arrives with the day’s mail. It will be taken back to the Post office and then delivered to local food banks or pantries. Please do not include items that have expired or those in glass containers.
There’s more info at their official site. So be sure to put a Post-It reminder on your fridge reminding you to put a reminder on your forehead reminding you to leave a Reddit post reminding you to leave a text message reminding you to tweet a reminder to your Facebook status reminding you to post a TikTok video reminding you to leave a reminder pic on your Instagram peg reminding you to send a snapchat reminding you to knit a reminder into your tea cozy before you put it up on Etsy. God bless social media—it makes life so much easier.
CHEERS to kicking Putin in the pooty-poot. After throwing half its military “might” into taking Bakhmut so they’d have something to boast about in their unilateral war against Ukraine, Russia appears to be on the cusp of Great Glorious Opposite Of Victory For Motherland…
Ukraine has driven Russia‘s military back from some positions around Bakhmut, according to commanders on both sides, in a small but potentially significant counterattack after months on the backfoot in a brutal battle that has become the focal point of the Kremlin’s war.
Ukraine‘s military said Wednesday it had routed a Russian infantry unit and forced it to retreat from crucial ground around the eastern city. The claims were supported by the furious account of the mercenary chief whose fighters have led Russia‘s push for a symbolic victory there, and who has blamed Moscow‘s defense chiefs for the setbacks. […]
“Victory Day was a success,” boasted Andriy Biletsky, founder of Ukraine’s far-right Azov regiment, referring sarcastically to the annual celebration of Russia‘s military that took place Tuesday.
And this ain’t even the big Ukraine counterattack yet. Zelenskyy and his generals are amassing high-tech weaponry (Thank you, NATO countries) and training a mighty army into a giant armored fist that will leave a welt that Moscow will feel for generations. And their little oligarchs, too!
CHEERS to getting outside in the fresh air—back when we had fresh air. 219 years ago Sunday, Lewis and Clark set off from their camp in Illinois to go explore just what the hell kind of territory we’d acquired in the Louisiana Purchase. Their first words when they got back: “Somebody needs to invent GPS, and somebody needs to invent GPS now.” Added the welcome committee: “And deodorant.”
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to regime change…maybe? Keep your eye on the headlines from Turkey this Sunday. They’re holding elections there, and the dictator who wants to stay dictator may not stay dictator for long…
The man challenging Tayyip Erdogan in Turkey’s presidential elections this weekend received a boost on Thursday when a small party candidate abruptly withdrew and a closely-watched poll gave him a more than five percentage point advantage. […]
Turkey’s main stock index jumped 6% after [Muhrrem] Ince made the shock announcement in front of his party’s headquarters in Ankara.
Financial markets are on edge given Kemal Kilicdaroglu has pledged to reverse Erdogan’s unorthodox economic policies.
I just noticed something important. The name Kilicdaroglu contains every vowel except E. And you know why? Because Erdogan starts with E and Kilicdaroglu ain’t got no room for his foolishness. It’s observations like this that allow me to rake in massive political consultant’s fees. (Please don’t lean against my yacht…you’ll smudge the teak.)
CHEERS to home vegetation. I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I’ve narrowed my weekend activities down to two things: clean up six months worth of winter dog poop in the yard…or watch a bunch of TV. Probably the latter.
The viewing starts tonight with Chris and Rachel on MSNBC unpacking the latest Friday night news dumps. Or you can watch rounds 7 and 8 of the Jeopardy! Masters tournament at 8 on ABC. Then at 9 on the CW there’s a fresh edition of Whose Line Is It Anyway?
The new movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here, and the NBA semifinals schedule is here. No new SNL this weekend because of the WGA strike, which we wholeheartedly support.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: the multiple threats posed by humans to sperm whales, and a profile of conductor Yannick Nézet-Séguin. Then at 8 Krusty opens a school for clowning on The Simpsons, after which you’re on your own again because John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight is off again.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT); former Rep. Will Hurd (The Cult-TX).
This Week: Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas; Reps. Michael McCaul (The Cult-TX) and Ritchie Torres (D-NY); Bill Gates of the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors.
Face the Nation: National Economic Council Chair Lael Brainard; Rep. Lauren Underwood (D-IL); Laredo Mayor Victor Treviño & El Paso Mayor Oscar Leeser; professional idiot Nikki Haley (The Cult).
CNN’s State of the Union: Sec. Alejandro Mayorkas; Rep. Mark Green (The Cult-TN).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA
Ten years ago in C&J: May 12, 2013
JEERS to The United States of Carnage. I heard about the 19 people who got shot and wounded in New Orleans yesterday. And I got to thinking: maybe we should do something about gun violence in this country. Crazy, I know.
And just one more…
CHEERS to ol’ Whats’ername. So what’s Mom worth these days? According to insure.com, more than ever…
If America’s mothers were paid for their work around the home, they would have earned an annual salary of $133,440 over the past year, according to Insure.com’s Mother’s Day Index for 2023.
That’s an increase of 5% from the previous Mother’s Day Index, which put mom’s salary at $126,725—keeping mothers’ wages slightly ahead of inflation.
Financial equality is improving significantly for working mothers and women in general. A recent report from the Pew Research Center found that in a growing share of heterosexual marriages, husbands and wives now earn about the same.
In nearly one-third of those marriages—29%—spouses earn roughly the same amount of money. Moreover, in the past five decades, the percentage of wives who earn as much as or more than their husbands has about tripled.
So why don’t we actually pay fulltime moms for their toil? Because they’d just funnel the money into a tax-free “Mommy Account” in the Cayman Islands and use the interest—not to mention their “Mommy Space Lasers”—to build a giant mom clone army with which to take over the world. So this Mother’s Day (Sunday), for the good of the planet, send her a gift-wrapped empty box and, when she opens it, tell her it’s a box full of love, which is invisible. And then, for your own personal safety, it would probably be a good idea to run away really fast. And return with a gift card to a day spa.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?